Dirty Babushka
By Laura S. Götz
- Originally written for the PIAD Festival, 6-7 March 2020, Frankfurt, Germany (organised by TLS Frankfurt).
- Director: David Jamieson
- Actors: Anna Lebedeva (Babushka), Pauline Guillet (Nadia), Sousi Allali (Azra)
Characters:
- Babushka – a Russian grandmother, very religious and old fashioned, wears a headscarf, Russian accent
- Nadia – the grandchild, doesn’t have an accent, more masculine
- Azra – Nadia’s lesbian partner, not religious, more feminine
FADE IN.
Scene 1: Performing stage
Azra belly-dances.
The audience claps when she is finished.
AZRA
(takes a bow)
Thank you so much Frankfurt! Have a good night!
Azra retires to a corner of the stage.
Nadia comes up the stairs and offers her flowers.
NADIA
Oh, Azra! You were wonderful, my love!
AZRA
You’re just saying that ‘cause you want a private show.
NADIA
Hold that thought for later tonight. Ready to meet my babushka?
AZRA
Yeah, let me change and I’ll be right with you.
NADIA
Wait! Wear this!
Nadia gives her a scarf.
AZRA
Aw, what a lovely gift!
Azra puts it around her neck.
NADIA
No, no. On your head.
AZRA
What is this about, Nadia?
NADIA
You know, since my babushka is soooo religious.
AZRA
Your grandmother expects a muslim lesbian to wear a head scarf?
NADIA
She’s conservative like that.
AZRA
Nadia?
NADIA
Hm?
AZRA
You did tell your grandmother about us, right?
NADIA
Oh, I’m sorry! I just couldn’t do it! She’s old, has heart problems, and I just thought I can wait it out till… you know…
Nadia mimics a dying sound.
AZRA
Cut the BS, Nadia. If I risked my dad’s heart attack, you’re risking your grans!
Scene 2: Kitchen
Babushka cooks with Azra.
BABUSHKA
So nice to have another good woman in the kitchen. Nadia does not like to cook. Always played with boys and fixed cars.
AZRA
Oh, she does not play with boys anymore.
BABUSHKA
Very good. She should save herself for marriage. No boys in her bed.
AZRA
Yes, granny, I can guarantee she hasn’t had boys in her bed.
BABUSHKA
Azra, such a beautiful name. What does it mean?
AZRA
In Arabic it means maiden or virgin.
BABUSHKA
Oh, just like the Virgin Mary! Nadia used to sing about her. How did it go?
Babushka hums the first line of ”Like a virgin” from Madonna.
AZRA
Like a virgin?
BABUSHKA
That is right! How nice that she found a good woman like you, who also goes to church. Who is your favorite saint?
AZRA
Oh, all of the female ones.
BABUSHKA
Just like my Nadia. She keeps a photo of her favorite in her wallet.
AZRA
That’s… Madonna.
BABUSHKA
Yes, one of those Italian Saints. She used to sing that beautiful prayer from her.
AZRA
‘’Just like a prayer?’’
BABUSHKA
Yes, so beautiful! Now let’s go eat!
Scene 3: Dinning room
Babushka and Azra do the table, Nadia comes in with some tools.
NADIA
Ok, babushka. Fixed that squeaking door.
BABUSHKA
Oh, my great Nadia! Who needs a man around the house when I have you?
AZRA
I can second that.
BABUSHKA
Let us eat! Nadia, can you say Grace? That beautiful prayer you used to say when you were in highschool?
NADIA
Which one?
AZRA
Oh, you know. The one from that Italian saint, Ma Donna?
All three hold hands.
NADIA
When you call my name it’s like a little prayer
I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I’ll take you there…
BABUSHKA
(claps)
Wonderful! Spasiba, my dear Nadia! Enjoy your meal!
The three eat.
Nadia and Azra exchange weird looks. Azra makes signs, so Nadia talks.
NADIA
Ehm, babushka?
BABUSHKA
Da, my dear?
NADIA
I wanted to let you know… that Azra and I are living together.
BABUSHKA
That is great to hear. After your grandfather died, I lived with your aunt Anastasia. The house was always clean and we cooked the whole day!
NADIA
Oh, yes. I remember it was so hot in the kitchen, you used to cook half naked.
BABUSHKA
Yes… so hot…
AZRA
(to Nadia)
We should cook more…
NADIA
What I actually wanted to say is… Azra and I share the same bed.
BABUSHKA
Oh, is it so cold in your apartment? We used to do the same in Siberia in the winter.
NADIA
No, what I wanted to say is… that we sleep together.
Nadia and Azra hold hands.
BABUSHKA
I understand. Your aunt Anastasia kept me warm every night after your grandfather died, because we could not pay for the firewood. Why didn’t you tell me you need more money to pay for heating? Your babushka can help.
Babushka reaches for her bag to search her wallet.
NADIA
No, babushka, what I…
BABUSHKA
You know, you should be asking for money from your husband. When are you going to get married? I know a good man, my butcher, Boris. He drives one of those loud cars you like and can get you pork chops any day you like.
AZRA
Nadia does not eat pork anymore.
BABUSHKA
(to Nadia)
Is your cholesterol too high?
NADIA
No, I am doing this out of love. For Azra.
BABUSHKA
(to Azra)
Is your cholesterol too high? Hold on, I have fat-free sauce in the kitchen!
Babushka exits.
AZRA
Wow, is she so oblivious?
NADIA
She is just very religious. Something like this never happened in her old village. They got married, had kids, went to church.
AZRA
You know what? Let’s just drop it.
NADIA
Ah, thank you!
Babushka enters with the sauce.
BABUSHKA
And after this we have dessert! I made cream pie!
Scene 4: Hallway
NADIA
Thank you for a delicious dinner, babushka! I’ll go get the car.
Nadia exits.
AZRA
Yes, it was the best pie I ever tasted.
BABUSHKA
Well then, let me give you another piece to go.
AZRA
Aw, very nice of you.
BABUSHKA
Just a quick advice: keep it in the fridge before you decide to eat it in bed. The cold cream always gave me a tingly sensation down there and Anastasia loved it when it melted between my thighs.
Azra’s mouth drops.
BABUSHKA
Good night, dear!
FADE OUT.
The amazing cast of Dirty Babushka
