Dirty Babushka – a 10 minute festival comedy play (Lgbtq+ friendly)

Dirty Babushka

By Laura S. Götz


  • Originally written for the Play in a day Festival, 6-7 March 2020, Frankfurt, Germany (organised by TLS Frankfurt).
  • Director: David Jamieson
  • Actors: Anna Lebedeva (Babushka), Pauline Guillet (Nadia), Sousi Allali (Azra)

Characters:

  • Babushka – a Russian grandmother, very religious and old fashioned, wears a headscarf, Russian accent
  • Nadia – the grandchild, doesn’t have an accent, more masculine
  • Azra – Nadia’s lesbian partner, not religious, more feminine

FADE IN.

Scene 1: Performing stage

Azra belly-dances.

The audience claps when she is finished.

AZRA

(takes a bow)

Thank you so much Frankfurt! Have a good night!

Azra retires to a corner of the stage.

Nadia comes up the stairs and offers her flowers.

NADIA

Oh, Azra! You were wonderful, my love!

AZRA

You’re just saying that ‘cause you want a private show.

NADIA

Hold that thought for later tonight. Ready to meet my babushka?

AZRA

Yeah, let me change and I’ll be right with you.

NADIA

Wait! Wear this!

Nadia gives her a scarf.

AZRA

Aw, what a lovely gift!

Azra puts it around her neck.

NADIA

No, no. On your head.

AZRA

What is this about, Nadia?

NADIA

You know, since my babushka is soooo religious.

AZRA

Your grandmother expects a muslim lesbian to wear a head scarf?

NADIA

She’s conservative like that.

AZRA

Nadia?

NADIA

Hm?

AZRA

You did tell your grandmother about us, right?

NADIA

Oh, I’m sorry! I just couldn’t do it! She’s old, has heart problems, and I just thought I can wait it out till… you know…

Nadia mimics a dying sound.

AZRA

Cut the BS, Nadia. If I risked my dad’s heart attack, you’re risking your grans!

Scene 2: Kitchen

Babushka cooks with Azra.

BABUSHKA

So nice to have another good woman in the kitchen. Nadia does not like to cook. Always played with boys and fixed cars.

AZRA

Oh, she does not play with boys anymore.

BABUSHKA

Very good. She should save herself for marriage. No boys in her bed.

AZRA

Yes, granny, I can guarantee she hasn’t had boys in her bed.

BABUSHKA

Azra, such a beautiful name. What does it mean?

AZRA

In Arabic it means maiden or virgin.

BABUSHKA

Oh, just like the Virgin Mary! Nadia used to sing about her. How did it go?

Babushka hums the first line of ”Like a virgin” from Madonna.

AZRA

Like a virgin?

BABUSHKA

That is right! How nice that she found a good woman like you, who also goes to church. Who is your favorite saint?

AZRA

Oh, all of the female ones.

BABUSHKA

Just like my Nadia. She keeps a photo of her favorite in her wallet.

AZRA

That’s… Madonna.

BABUSHKA

Yes, one of those Italian Saints. She used to sing that beautiful prayer from her.

AZRA

‘’Just like a prayer?’’

BABUSHKA

Yes, so beautiful! Now let’s go eat!

Scene 3: Dinning room

Babushka and Azra do the table, Nadia comes in with some tools.

NADIA

Ok, babushka. Fixed that squeaking door.

BABUSHKA

Oh, my great Nadia! Who needs a man around the house when I have you?

AZRA

I can second that.

BABUSHKA

Let us eat! Nadia, can you say Grace? That beautiful prayer you used to say when you were in highschool?

NADIA

Which one?

AZRA

Oh, you know. The one from that Italian saint, Ma Donna?

All three hold hands.

NADIA

When you call my name it’s like a little prayer
I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there
In the midnight hour I can feel your power
Just like a prayer you know I’ll take you there…

BABUSHKA

(claps)

Wonderful! Spasiba, my dear Nadia! Enjoy your meal!

The three eat.

Nadia and Azra exchange weird looks. Azra makes signs, so Nadia talks.

NADIA

Ehm, babushka?

BABUSHKA

Da, my dear?

NADIA

I wanted to let you know… that Azra and I are living together.

BABUSHKA

That is great to hear. After your grandfather died, I lived with your aunt Anastasia. The house was always clean and we cooked the whole day!

NADIA

Oh, yes. I remember it was so hot in the kitchen, you used to cook half naked.

BABUSHKA

Yes… so hot…

AZRA

(to Nadia)

We should cook more…

NADIA

What I actually wanted to say is… Azra and I share the same bed.

BABUSHKA

Oh, is it so cold in your apartment? We used to do the same in Siberia in the winter.

NADIA

No, what I wanted to say is… that we sleep together.

Nadia and Azra hold hands.

BABUSHKA

I understand. Your aunt Anastasia kept me warm every night after your grandfather died, because we could not pay for the firewood. Why didn’t you tell me you need more money to pay for heating? Your babushka can help.

Babushka reaches for her bag to search her wallet.

NADIA

No, babushka, what I…

BABUSHKA

You know, you should be asking for money from your husband. When are you going to get married? I know a good man, my butcher, Boris. He drives one of those loud cars you like and can get you pork chops any day you like.

AZRA

Nadia does not eat pork anymore.

BABUSHKA

(to Nadia)

Is your cholesterol too high?

NADIA

No, I am doing this out of love. For Azra.

BABUSHKA

(to Azra)

Is your cholesterol too high? Hold on, I have fat-free sauce in the kitchen!

Babushka exits.

AZRA

Wow, is she so oblivious?

NADIA

She is just very religious. Something like this never happened in her old village. They got married, had kids, went to church.

AZRA

You know what? Let’s just drop it.

NADIA

Ah, thank you!

Babushka enters with the sauce.

BABUSHKA

And after this we have dessert! I made cream pie!

Scene 4: Hallway

NADIA

Thank you for a delicious dinner, babushka! I’ll go get the car.

Nadia exits.

AZRA

Yes, it was the best pie I ever tasted.

BABUSHKA

Well then, let me give you another piece to go.

AZRA

Aw, very nice of you.

BABUSHKA

Just a quick advice: keep it in the fridge before you decide to eat it in bed. The cold cream always gave me a tingly sensation down there and Anastasia loved it when it melted between my thighs.

Azra’s mouth drops.

BABUSHKA

Good night, dear!

FADE OUT.

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